The Lord of the Do-Nothings (LotR parody)
by Dejoka
Summary: Frodo knows there's something up. If only everyone wasn't forcing him to go along with it ... A short parody of the Lord of the Rings movie (only the first one so far). References the books.


**The Lord of the Do-Nothings**

 **Act 1**

NARRATOR: Three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarves, ...

 _Oh, let´s just skip the prologue. The others never appear anyway._

 _In the Shire, Bilbo Baggins is celebrating his 111th birthday._

FRODO: This is half the Shire? I never realized what a small village it was.

 _Just then, Bilbo vanishes. Gandalf follows him into his home._

GANDALF: I don´t care if you want to go off and get yourself killed, Bilbo, but you need to leave the ring here. I want its – I mean, I need to study it.

BILBO: Oh, right. Then I´ll just leave the artifact of doom with my nephew, who has no idea what it is.

 _Bilbo leaves and just as Gandalf starts eying the Ring, Frodo comes in._

 _Some unimportant stuff later, Gandalf comes back._

GANDALF: Big news, Frodo. See those letters if the ring gets hot that somehow no one has ever noticed before? This is The One Ring. ( _Frodo shrugs._ _)_ Oh, you know, the ultimate artifact of evil. Just take it.

FRODO: Why don´t you take it?

GANDALF: They won´t let me – erm, I mean, I am much too powerful for that. We can´t let someone with actual magic solve our problem, now can we? And look, there´s Sam. He´ll just have to accompany you to the elves. Protect him well, Sam.

FRODO _(sarcastic_ _ally_ _)_ : Sure, because an overweight gardener is so suited to being a bodyguard.

 _They leave the Shire and pick up two more hobbits along the way, while they flee from the Ringwraiths that Gandalf conveniently forgot to mention. They luckily do not meet a crazy old hermit.  
_

 _In Bree, Frodo tries on the Ring - turns out it clashes horribly with Hobbit fashion - and they encounter Strider._

STRIDER: I´m a friend of Gandalf´s. Trust me. Why would I lie to you?

FRODO: Actually -

STRIDER: See, I´ve saved you from those guys in black. Now follow me. I really want to get back to my girlfriend.

 _A few scenes later, they finally fight the Nazgul._

FRODO: I thought the Nazgul were blind. Why does it matter if we make a fire? I mean, if they could feel the One Ring or anything… Ouch, that hurts!

 _After a wild ride to Rivendell, Frodo and Bilbo are reunited and the known races assemble for a Council._

ELROND: No one can use the Ring. We need to destroy it. In that one specific volcano at the heart of the land of evil, naturally. I already know who will be our ringbearer.

FRODO: Why don´t we just send a few of those giant eagles Bilbo told me about?

 _Everyone glares at Frodo._

ELROND: They´re, uhm, they´re all down with the bird flu. Right.

FRODO: Don´t look at me like that. Fine, I´ll do it.

GANDALF: I´ll accompany you. _He notices Elrond´s glare._ Together with eight others, naturally! The bigger the party, the more stealth, right?

ELROND _to Aragorn:_ Watch him.

 _They begin their travels. There is, of course, no other route than through an underground dwarf kingdom perfect for an ambush._

GIMLI: No one´s heard anything from Moria for ages. How could they all be dead? I never would have thought! Maybe the king should have sent someone to investigate after all.

 _They´re attacked and Gandalf fights with a demon Balrog. He dies in a way we conveniently don´t see his body._

FRODO: But he´s the most powerful wizard in middle-age-earth. Sorry, Middle Earth. What idiot thought of that name? Anyway, can´t he have survived?

ARAGORN: No way. He´s dead. You´re supposed to mourn him. _Pause._ Pull yourself together, Frodo! We don´t have time for grieving!

 _Later, despite both parties´ violent disposition, they somehow manage to get captured by Lothlorien´s elves without any blood shed._

CELEBORN: Who did you say they were again?

GALADRIEL: Quick, you have to go! You´re not in the movie! _(muttering:)_ Emancipation my ass! Why do I have to be such a stereotype? _To the Fellowship:_ Welcome, my guests. See you later, Frodo.

 _This evening._ FRODO: See, Gandalf doesn´t want to have the Ring, but you´re almost as powerful. Why don´t you take it and solve this quest already? I´m so tired of being dragged around.

GALADRIEL: I wish I could.

 _They finally get closer to Mordor. Of course, Boromir´s behavior isn´t suspicious or anything ..._

BOROMIR: Sorry, but I´ve somehow decided to be a villain and I need that Ring of yours.

FRODO: I kind of want to give it up, but something tells me this would spell doom for all sentient life everywhere, so nope, sorry.

 _The Uruk-hai attack. Frodo uses this distraction to slip away._

FRODO: I´ve really had it with this fellowship. A pervert with a girlfriend a hundred times his age, a wannabe thief, two guys who constantly bicker to hide their attraction to each other, two wannabe bad boys, and _(sees Sam coming)_ an overweight gardener who won´t take no for an answer. What did I do to deserve this?


End file.
